Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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