I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
