so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
