What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
