I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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