Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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