i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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