sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
