Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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