slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
