Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
