she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Are my feet made of real feet?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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