The maid of honor just puked.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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