She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
