I am in a vortex of obligation.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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