I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
