Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know her cup size but not her name....
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