i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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