I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
