as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
