I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
