I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
