I showed him my bush... on skype.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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