I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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