Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
