i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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