The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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