Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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