Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
