im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
