Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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