Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
