My first STD was from a foam party
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
