My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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