I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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