So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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