Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
