Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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