There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
