Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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