I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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