She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
