Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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