I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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