I accidentally burped into my bong.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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