I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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