i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
