Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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