"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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