My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize