Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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