I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
