I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
