Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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