She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
