i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I love having hate sex.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
