Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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