i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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